The new year is fast approaching. Many of us will make resolutions. Many of us will see those resolutions through…and many of us might not see those resolutions through. In part, this blog was my 2015 resolution. I, in case you are wondering, failed. What I’d hoped this blog would be, for myself, it, certainly, was not; it has not been an outlet for me in the way I’d hoped. Another hope I had for this blog was that it’d, somehow, help me make sure I tried to eat healthier, cleaner, smarter, and, in turn, (not sure if these commas are placed appropriately — I have a, sort of, addiction to them, you’ll learn) I’d create a good foundational relationship with food for Valerie. Whether I failed at the latter, it’s not completely clear at the moment; Valerie’s diet, completely, consists of yogurt/fruit pouches, cheese, pasta, and bread. (I’m hoping that all of those fruits and veggies she used to gobble up, quickly, she will start taking a liking to again, in the future.)
I also wanted to provide another perspective on parenting, for anyone who happened across this here page. (And, I wanted to not feel so lonely in that perspective.) I wanted each post to be this well thought out, structured, articulate piece that helped someone who might need it. In reality, each post was like a quick regurgitation of my days’ events.
I wanted this blog to be a representation of how motherhood made me feel. At the time, I felt like I had undergone this huge transformation and I wanted to share that with the world. I wanted someone to notice!
Since Val’s arrival, I feel more like myself than I’ve ever felt. Which really doesn’t make any sense, and almost feels like some trite verbiage that mothers feel compelled to say. Nonetheless, it’s true. It’s like when I saw her for the first time and felt like saying, “Yep, there she is.” There is this familiarity to motherhood that makes being responsible for a whole tiny human a little less frightening.
But, on the flip side, there is this newness to first time motherdom that is really really hard. There are all these news emotions, and, seemingly, a whole lot less time in the day that makes doing necessary adulting impossible. Which creates this chaos. Add on, there are other people in your life who need you to be able to function just as you had before your new tiny human’s arrival…and you’re not going to be able to, which causes friction; other people have to deal with how their relationship with you has changed, and, often, people are not prepared to handle it in a way that’s mutually conducive.
My biggest thing before giving birth was that I wanted my life to be the same. I wanted Valerie to just slide into my life seamlessly. I’m not entirely sure if that’s impossible, but it, certainly, has yet to happen for me. And, maybe, the Erica I was before is an Erica that I need to leave in the past. I haven’t quite figured it out, yet. But I, definitely, think it’s important to consider. Sometimes I do think of things I used to do, and long for the time to do them now…but, what would I have to sacrifice to have those things?
Example: I used to spend a lot of time in movie theaters (mostly alone and bawling) engulfing myself in movies (at least once a week). But, a lot of those movies (and even tv shows) were depictions of something I was longing for: love, a career, motherhood. Now that I have those things…would sitting in a movie be as fulfilling? Or, would I rather be home taking care of my husband and child? It’s hard to say because I haven’t taken the time to allow myself an extended amount of time away from them.
I’m sure most of this sounds like rambling (and, it is) but, these are things I think about. I’m thinking about it right now, specifically, because I saw a video with Jada Pinkett Smith about motherhood. In the video, she talks about how it’s important for mothers to take care of themselves first and foremost. Everything she said, I felt, was spot on…and, it has me thinking: “What does taking care of myself look like?” And, I really don’t know (is alone time, in movie theaters, really important to me?). But, it’s something I really need to figure out because taking care of myself is something that I need to do.
I feel like that has been the biggest struggle for me, not really knowing how to not be a mom. How to see myself as the individual I was prior to having a tiny human. There are days when I am so stressed out, and I feel like I never get a moment alone, I have ignored my ballooning weight because I don’t have the time to focus on it. And, part of me feels like I need to make time. And, by making time, I am helping my husband and tiny human as well.
Does any of this make sense?
So, this is not a 2016 resolution, per se, but I do have a desire to make this blog better and more representative of the mother I wish to be. Maybe I shouldn’t have centered it so tightly around Valerie’s BLWing journey? It’s just that “Tiny Human Eats” was so cute and came to me serendipitously. And! I was so determined to try new recipes, cook cute meals, and post adorable Pinterest worthy pictures! Clearly, that didn’t work out.
2016 will be a much better year for THE, hopefully you’ll all stick around!